The Not So Straight And Narrow
by Red Witch
Summary: Staying out of trouble is never easy for the members of the Figgis Agency.


**The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters has gotten into a fight with some other disclaimer. This is just my crazed imagination running amok. Takes place very shortly after the events in the story The Figgis Agency Is Out To Lunch.**

 **The Not So Straight And Narrow **

"I can't **believe** I had to spend four hours in jail!" Mallory snapped as she stormed into the Figgis Agency. "On my own birthday!"

"You're lucky that's **all** you spent!" Lana snapped as the other members of the Figgis Agency followed her.

"You attacked Gladys Vanderhoffen in the middle of a damn restaurant," Ray added. "And tried to stab her in front of nearly a hundred people. What did you **think** would happen? That everyone would be so obsessed with their complimentary sticky buns that no one would notice?"

"Well I had to stop her from calling Trudy Beekman!" Mallory snapped. "Blabbing that lie about Sterling's father being made up!"

"A lie **you created** ," Lana pointed out. "And got found out on."

"Because of Hedda Hopped Up On Glue over here!" Mallory pointed to Cheryl who was giggling like a maniac.

"Yeah that was funny," Cheryl laughed. "And what's even funnier is now Mrs. Vanderhoffen has even more dirt to blab to Trudy Beekman and all those rich bitches back in New York."

"You really didn't think this one through, did you Ms. Archer?" Pam snorted.

"DAMN IT!" Mallory shouted.

"You are lucky I was able to have a talk with Mrs. Vanderhoffen," Cyril snapped. "And she agreed to **not** press any charges!"

"Yeah how exactly did you do **that**?" Lana was stunned.

"Lana, I used to be a lawyer and a defense attorney," Cyril gave her a look. "Is it such a stretch that I am able to convince someone to do something?"

"Yes," Lana said.

"Yes," Mallory said at the same time.

"Yup, yup, yup," Krieger said at the same time.

"Pretty much," Pam said.

"Kind of hard to see it any other way," Ray admitted.

"Well I **did!** " Cyril snapped. "I was able to use my skills to convince Mrs. Vanderhoffen to drop the charges!"

FLASHBACK!

Outside Mrs. Gladys Vanderhoffen's hotel room…

"OH CYRIL!" Gladys was heard screaming with joy.

FLASHFORWARD!

"You screwed her, didn't you?" Mallory groaned.

"Well you're not behind bars **now,** are you?" Cyril snapped.

"I'm not saying what you did was a **bad thing** ," Mallory defended. "Now that Sterling's gone I guess I have to rely on you to charm women in order to…Oh dear God! I have to rely on **you** to charm women!"

"I know, right?" Lana laughed.

"You know?" Cyril fumed.

"I mean I know Sterling was a man whore but look at my remaining options," Mallory groaned. "Pam AKA the Blob, Krieger AKA Commandant Crazy and…"

She looked at Ray. "Well I guess I have a backup if there are any extra men I need to have taken care of if I'm sick or indisposed…"

"Well what a **shock,** " Lana sneered. "Cyril used his dick to do the job."

"And explain to me how **that's different** than what **Archer does**?" Cyril snapped.

"Easy. Cyril actually gets better results," Cheryl quipped.

"Yeah Archer's dick gets us all into trouble," Pam added. "And Cyril's gets us out!"

"Oh dear God she's right," Mallory groaned. "Now I **know** I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel!"

"Well I haven't heard **you** complain about it before!" Cyril snapped.

Everyone looked at Cyril. Mallory narrowed her eyes in warning. "As in…" Cyril gulped. "My dick doesn't cause **half** as much trouble as Archer's does. At least it didn't end up with anyone getting arrested…LANA!"

Lana was flustered. "You cheated on me!"

Cyril snapped. "Yeah, me and **every other man** who's ever dated you! Including Archer! Who you keep giving a pass to!"

"He's got you there Lana," Mallory sighed.

"You're on **his side** now?" Lana was stunned.

"Well he did take one for the team to get me out of jail so…" Mallory shrugged.

"More than one actually," Cyril said.

"So, did you use your _oral skills_ to convince her to not blab that lie about me having to make up a husband?" Mallory asked.

"And by lie," Ray interjected. "She means the truth."

"Well…" Cyril paused.

FLASHBACK TO THE HOTEL ROOM…

"So," Gladys relaxed back against the pillows of the bed. "I'm guessing you also want me to not say anything about Mallory's little temper tantrum? Am I right?"

"On the contrary," Cyril said. "I'd **love** it if you blabbed to everyone you know! In fact, do me a favor and also tell everyone that she's pretending she's the head of the agency when it's actually me and we're good."

"After your performance, I'm going to tell **everyone** ," Gladys purred.

"And what the hell?" Cyril added. "Also tell everyone that it's not the **first time** she was arrested in California. She was arrested twice before. Once for an assault in a mall and the second time she participated in a brawl. At the Swindon hotel. Which she is now banned from. But you didn't hear it from me. Say you heard it from Cheryl Tunt."

"Deal," Gladys grinned. "I should come to California more often."

FLASHFORWARD!

"Look you're lucky you're not in jail, okay?" Cyril told her.

"I should have known you'd screw **that up!"** Mallory groaned.

"Give him a break Ms. Archer," Pam defended. "He had to screw Ms. Vanderhoffen!"

"Yeah!" Cyril snapped. "Although I must admit she was surprisingly nimble."

Lana fumed. "What is it with you men screwing old women?"

"Hey I was taking one for the team!" Cyril snapped. "What were **you** doing?"

"And **who** were you doing?" Cheryl added as she took a drink. "The answer: nothing and **no one!"**

"You know…?" Lana glared at Cheryl.

"I think that should be **whom** she was doing," Krieger interjected.

"Is there a difference?" Pam asked. "Because Lana's not getting any either way."

"You know…? Lana glared at them.

"MALLORY!" Ron stormed in shouting. "You got arrested **again?"**

"Oh, here we go," Mallory groaned as she went to the bar to get a drink. "Who blabbed?"

"Well I thought you needed bail so…" Cyril began. "I had Lana call him."

"Thanks a lot Lana!" Mallory grumbled as she poured herself a drink.

"God damn it Mallory!" Ron snapped. "What the hell were you _thinking?"_

"Spoiler alert," Ray quipped. "She wasn't."

"As if I care what **you** think you…" Mallory fumed.

"Don't yell at Ray for telling the truth!" Lana snapped.

"Oh, you're on **his side?"** Mallory snapped. "Typical!"

"And you got arrested **again!** " Ron snapped. "Typical!"

"I almost never get arrested!" Mallory protested. "Besides the charges were dropped…"

"Thanks to Cyril's dick," Pam snorted.

"So don't say I never do anything around here!" Cyril snapped.

"Or **anyone,** " Ray quipped. "Phrasing boom!"

"Explain to me what you were **thinking** when you attacked Gladys Vanderhoffen in the middle of a damn restaurant and started a damn fire?" Ron snapped. "I have to hear **this one!"**

"Okay first of all," Mallory corrected. "I didn't start the fire. The _other_ Mallory did."

"There's _another_ Mallory?" Ron quipped. "Isn't one **enough?"**

"Did we do that joke already?" Krieger blinked.

"Second of all," Mallory went on. "It was Krieger's stupid flammable water scam that contributed to the whole mess. Which reminds me, Krieger I swear you better shut down that Krieger Springs scam right now! Or else I will return you to whence you came! A biological smudge on a lab table!"

"Okay first of all," Krieger corrected. "It's not _technically_ a scam. I created this batch of Krieger Springs in my lab! It even says so on the label! The finest man-made water on earth!"

"Man-made?" Ray looked at him.

"I think I may have added a little too much extra hydrogen," Krieger shrugged. "Do you think that's what made it extra combustible?"

"It's a very real possibility!" Cyril snapped. "SHUT IT DOWN!"

"Before the cops figure out the connection and shut it down for you," Ray added.

"If they haven't already," Pam pointed out. "They did the last time!"

"That's because Krieger was stupid enough to show a giant pallet of the damn things right in front of their noses!" Mallory shouted.

"Which means the odds of them remembering and coming after us are one to one," Lana groaned.

"Which means we're probably going to get fined again!" Cyril groaned.

"Do you see what I have to deal with?" Ron shouted.

" **You?"** Mallory shouted. " **I'm** the one dealing with these idiots and putting up with their idiocy all the time!"

"We've gone beyond idiocy, Mallory!" Ron shouted. "It's not just idiocy when you get accused of **treason**! It's not just idiocy when you try to run a **cocaine cartel**! It's not just idiocy when you get into shootouts with the damn **Yakuza!** "

"Again," Mallory groaned. "Technically **not** my fault!"

"I don't care!" Ron shouted. "Mallory, this is criminal activity! That's **not normal**! None of this is **normal!** "

"What's normal again?" Cheryl blinked.

"Basically, the opposite of **you,** " Pam sighed.

"Listen Mallory!" Ron snapped. "I didn't spend the last twenty years of my life trying to go straight only to end up with a wife in jail!"

"What?" Mallory did a double take. "What do you mean by **that?** "

Ron caught himself. "I mean…Trying to live on the straight and narrow path. The golden rule and all that. Praise Jesus. I think…"

"Well what do you know?" Pam snickered. "Sounds like Ron's got a past."

"Doesn't everyone?" Ray quipped.

"As what?" Mallory rolled her eyes. "A Reefer aficionado?"

"It was just once decades ago with some jazz cats," Ron protested. "But I didn't inhale. Much."

"Not like your brain cells wouldn't die of boredom anyway," Mallory waved.

"You know…?" Ron looked at her.

"Do you really think I'd be stupid enough to marry a criminal mastermind?" Mallory snapped at her staff.

"Well I wouldn't exactly call myself a mastermind," Ron began. Then he caught himself. "Because there was nothing **to master**. But several very legitimate and very legal Cadillac dealerships."

"See?" Mallory motioned. "I'm not stupid enough to marry a crook."

"But Ron was," Cheryl snickered.

"How's that for frickin' irony?" Ron groaned.

Cheryl laughed. "Ms. Archer's done treason, murder, theft, running a cocaine cartel…"

Pam added. "Smuggling illegal aliens, blackmail, arson…"

"How could I have forgotten the arson?" Cheryl gasped.

"I know, right?" Pam nodded. "And don't forget all those bomb threats she called in."

"And the time she tried to ransom a nonexistent hydrogen bomb," Cheryl added.

"All right! Knock it off Cagney and Lacey!" Mallory shouted.

"Mallory, I am trying very hard to be supportive of you," Ron warned. "The only reason I haven't left you is because of what happened with Sterling. But if you keep up with these insane schemes and shenanigans…"

"What are you doing to do, Ron?" Mallory scoffed. "Leave me? As if!"

"Don't pretend you're doing me any favors," Ron snapped. "Because we both know that **I'm** the one in this relationship that's not only doing all the work. I'm the **only one** supporting us!"

"Excuse me?" Mallory shouted.

" **Excuse me!"** Detective Harris shouted as he and his partner Detective Dietrich walked in. "We'd like to have a word with you people! About selling illegal bottled water."

"Krieger…" Cyril groaned. "It's for **you**!"

"SMOKE BOMB!" Krieger made a motion and ran away.

"Oh, for the love of…" Detective Dietrich groaned. "I'm on it!" He started chasing Krieger.

"You know there are actual **street gangs** that don't give us as much trouble as you people?" Detective Harris looked at them.

"Why can't you just do what other gold digging wives do?" Ron snapped at his wife. "And simply just go to the mall all day and spend my money? That would cost a lot less!"

"How dare you call me a gold digger?" Mallory shouted.

"When you found out I owned several Cadillac dealerships, it wasn't exactly a turn off was it?" Ron shouted.

"Do I want to know what **this** is all about?" Detective Harris groaned.

"Not really," Cyril sighed.

"COME BACK HERE!" Detective Dietrich shouted.

"YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!" Krieger shouted.

BANG! BANG! BANG!

"On second thought," Krieger gulped. "I'd really appreciate it if you **did** take me alive!"

"Do you really think I need someone like **you** to survive?" Mallory shouted.

"In a word?" Ron shouted back. "DUH!"

"How dare you?" Mallory shouted. "You…You low class…"

"You think I'm **low class**?" Ron interrupted. "Ms. Arrested for Treason and Gets in Shootouts with the Yakuza?"

" **What** did you just say?" Detective Harris did a double take.

"AAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Detective Dietrich screamed.

"Not **you!"** Detective Harris shouted at his partner. "Him!" He pointed to Ron.

Ron glared at Mallory. "That Park Avenue Princess act is running real thin now!"

"You're going to be running for **your life** if you don't **shut up!"** Mallory snarled.

"AAAAHHH!" Detective Dietrich ran by. "GHOSTS! THEY HAVE GHOSTS!"

"HA HA HA!" Mitsuko floated after him. "Catch the copper! YAY!"

"That's just a hologram!" Lana shouted. "She can't hurt you!"

"But I can hurt you!" Mallory shouted at Ron.

"You already got me shot woman!" Ron shouted. "What more can you do?"

"Keep talking Ron!" Mallory shouted. "You'll find out!"

"AAAAAHHHH!" Krieger ran by with Detective Dietrich away from Mitsuko.

"Krieger why are **you** running?" Ray called out.

"BECAUSE KRIEGER MISSED ANOTHER DATE NIGHT WITH ME!" Mitsuko shouted in anger. "MY CHERRY BLOSSOMS WANT VENGENCE!"

"Wait a minute," Detective Harris was confused. "That's a hologram, right? She can't hurt them!"

"Honestly I don't want to find out!" Detective Dietrich screamed.

"Me too!" Krieger shouted.

"You think you're this high-class dame," Ron shouted at Mallory. "But here's a hint Princess, people with class don't run illegal spy agencies and get arrested for **treason!"**

"WHAT?" Detective Harris shouted.

"Oh for the love of…" Cyril winced.

"Now you've done it Betty Blabbermouth!" Mallory shouted at Ron. "One of these days I will shoot you!"

"You already got me shot woman!" Ron shouted.

"Technically that was the Yakuza!" Mallory snapped. "And it was Pam's fault for stealing those amphetamines with counterfeit money!"

"She did **what?** " Detective Harris shouted.

"Oh relax," Cheryl grumbled as she took some glue. "That was at least three seasons ago. No big deal!"

"Are you trying to eat and sniff glue?" Detective Harris shouted. "In front of a police officer?"

"Well maybe if you'd shut up I'd be able to **do it?"** Cheryl snapped. "Take a chill pill." She pulled out a bag. "How about these homemade gummy bears that are filled with some kind of illegal drugs Krieger filled them with?"

"Way to go Glue for Brains!" Pam snapped. "Why don't you just blab about the time we tried to run a cocaine cartel while you're at it?"

"PAM!" Mallory shouted.

"YOU PEOPLE ARE **CRAZY!** " Detective Harris pulled out his gun. "I'M ARRESTING YOU ALL NOW!"

WHAM!

Detective Harris fell to the floor, unconscious. Lana had whacked him on the back of the head with Mallory's purse. "Jesus Mallory," She grumbled. "What do you **have** in here? Gold bullion?"

"Okay I think that reboot I sent has given us some time," Krieger said to Detective Dietrich as they entered the bullpen.

"Fine!" Detective Dietrich said. He then saw his partner on the floor. "What happened here?"

"This," Lana said as she quickly came up behind him and knocked him out with the purse.

"Daaaaaammmm," Pam whistled after Dietrich fell to the floor unconscious.

"What?" Lana asked. "I'm **not** going back to jail again."

"But you just assaulted a police officer!" Cyril shouted. " **Two** police officers!"

"No, I didn't," Lana said as she returned Mallory's purse. "Krieger, you got those knock out drugs you copied from the CIA?"

Krieger opened his lab coat to reveal his tranquilizer gun. "Shoot 'em both," Lana said. "Mallory, we're going to need some absinthe."

"Ah yes," Mallory nodded. "The old Drug and Drink."

"I know the bartenders at Pita Margaritas," Pam said. "We can dump them off there."

"We're drugging cops now?" Ron groaned as Krieger shot the police detectives.

"Yuuuup," Lana nodded.

"I have some Forget Me Now Dots in my fridge," Krieger realized. "I think I'd better give them some just in case!" He ran to get them.

"It doesn't hurt to be extra careful," Mallory held a bottle of absinthe. "Ron help me here."

"Noooope," Ron folded his arms.

"For God's sake Ron!" Mallory snapped.

"It's not like you're **not already** an accessory!" Cyril agreed. "I'll help Mallory! Again!"

"See?" Mallory snapped as she and Cyril propped up the policemen. "Cyril pulls his weight around here!"

"Yeah Ron!" Cyril snapped.

"Seriously though," Lana rubbed her arm. "What do you have in your purse? I've held bricks that were lighter."

"Just the essentials," Mallory said as she poured some absinthe down Detective Harris' throat.

"For what?" Lana asked. "Taking over another country?"

"Ehhh…" Mallory shrugged.

Sometime later in a booth at Pita Margarita's…

"Uhhh…" Detective Harris sat up in the booth and yawned. "Where am I?"

"Well we're in a booth," Detective Dietrich yawned and looked around. "There's a pitcher of margaritas at our table and some nachos. I think we went drinking again."

"Brilliant deduction Sherlock Homeboy," Detective Harris gave him a look.

"I have a feeling we were supposed to be doing something," Detective Dietrich blinked. "Were we supposed to be doing something?"

"I don't remember," Detective Harris shrugged as he took a drink. "Probably."

"Ehh it can't be that important," Detective Dietrich took a drink as well. "Yum! Nachos!"

"Is it me or is this whole day just a big blur?" Detective Harris frowned as he took another drink.

"I guess spending the day drinking will do that to you," Detective Dietrich snorted.

"Oh really?"

The two men looked up from the booth to see three policemen. Two in uniform and one was in a suit. Looking very angry. "I should have known I'd find you two slackers in here!" The Police Sergeant snarled.

"Hey Sarge…" Detective Dietrich gulped nervously. "What's new?"

Back at the Figgis Agency bullpen…

Pam told the gang. "Well thanks to an anonymous tip about two police officers getting drunk on duty, I don't think we'll see those two anytime soon."

"Not to mention the call I made to make our Krieger Springs problem go away," Mallory sighed. "Now if I could only make Krieger and the rest of you go away…"

"How are you going to do that?" Ron asked her.

"I have an acquaintance who has friends," Mallory admitted. "Who is going to lord this over me whenever he gets a chance."

"Did you want to go **back** to jail?" Lana snapped.

"I didn't say **that**!" Mallory protested. "Besides this friend is smoothing things over with the police. Krieger you can't ever use that stupid water scam ever again! Got it?"

"Yup, yup, yup," Krieger nodded.

"Okay you **say** that," Cyril spoke up. "But sometimes I feel you really don't listen!"

"Pam, Ray you help him dismantle his operation," Mallory groaned. "And get rid of the evidence. Just in case."

"So much for staying on the straight and narrow, huh Ron?" Pam snorted. "I mean now you're involved in the assault and drugging of two cops, conspiracy, getting mixed up in a fake bottled water scam…"

"I can't believe my life," Ron groaned.

"Honestly that made me feel a lot better," Lana smirked. "I needed that."

"Assaulting and framing two cops made you feel **better**?" Ron looked at her.

"Well they arrested me so…" Lana shrugged. "Yeah I'm good now."

"So now this is only the fourth worst birthday ever," Mallory sighed.

"You're not going to have too many **more** of them if you keep up stunts like this!" Ron shouted.

"Oh, are you still harping **on that?"** Mallory snapped.

"YES!" Ron snapped.

"Just take me home," Mallory grabbed her purse.

"It won't be your home much longer if you don't start getting your act together!" Ron snapped as they left. "I kicked you out before! I can do it again!"

"Dream on Ron!" Mallory snapped.

"This marriage is the stuff of **nightmares**!" Ron shouted.

"Well today was a fun day out!" Cheryl giggled as she started sniffing glue again. "Especially since Ron and Ms. Archer got into another fight. When do you think he's finally going to smarten up and kick her to the curb?"

"Well if he hasn't by now…" Pam shrugged.

"One good thing about this group," Ray groaned. "We never run out of things to talk about."

"Or in our case," Cyril groaned. "Pretend never happened."


End file.
